Seventy five years ago today, my mother was born. It will be six years in May since she died and left this earth.
Now, the good news is, my belief system is such that I believe that her loving spirit is still very much alive, and is in some ways more "present" than ever. The "bad" news is that she not HERE with ME and my siblings, and all who considered Mom friend and family.
I think about her everyday - first thing in the morning as I prepare my coffee and add in the flavored creamer, Mom informed me I liked a little coffee with my cream and sugar! When I look out my windows and see all the birds, especially the regal cardinal, I'm reminded of Mom's love of the outdoors and how much she taught us about flowers, and birds, and nature. Still, after almost six years and I'm doing something and think, "I need to ask Mom..." and get rudely shaken back into the reality that I can no longer pick up the phone or walk next door for her experience and/or advice....she was wary of giving advice, but would tell you what she thought was "right".
What did I learn from my mother - so much, and I'm still learning how much I learned - it's like little Mom gifts when those insights and realizations happen. My mother was more comfortable in her own skin than anyone I have ever known - and that is something I aspire to, and work on every day - to know who I am, what I am at this moment, and know I may still grow, if I take the opportunity.
So, March 10 will always have more meaning than most other days - it is my Mom's day.
Happy Birthday Mom - we love you and miss you.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Tuesday, November 09, 2010
Day 4 - Something I Need to Forgive Someone Else For
Well, well...this is quite the conundrum....because, really I don't know that at this point in my life I can think of anyone I'm holding onto enough anger and/or frustration that I need to forgive.
Now this has not always been the case - there have been several people, instances that I fumed and fused about - but really, what was gained. The answer is nothing - it was an exercise in a colossal waste of time and energy. And quite frankly the other person didn't give a fig, if they even acknowledged the problem.
So, now, learning some important lessons along the way, forgiveness is generally granted on the spot with no fanfare. Life is just way too short to live in that angry state, that someone needs forgiveness.
Now this has not always been the case - there have been several people, instances that I fumed and fused about - but really, what was gained. The answer is nothing - it was an exercise in a colossal waste of time and energy. And quite frankly the other person didn't give a fig, if they even acknowledged the problem.
So, now, learning some important lessons along the way, forgiveness is generally granted on the spot with no fanfare. Life is just way too short to live in that angry state, that someone needs forgiveness.
Monday, November 08, 2010
Day 3
Day 3 - something I need to forgive myself for.
Hmm....well, I guess one of the biggest things I need to forgive myself for is not taking care of myself, primarily in the physical sense.
Now, I'm a nurse, you know....and I don't smoke and I don't drink with any regularity or excess...BUT we do have to eat, right??? Yes we do...but to excess that isn't a good thing either.
There was a time in my life when I exercised with regularity....tennis, racquetball, swimming, biking, aerobics....and then...I got married and everything that was "normal" wasn't anymore. Now, marriage is no excuse and I'm not casting blame, but that is when I allowed my reality to change.
It was also after I got married I was diagnosed with "asthma"....more on that later.
So, now I find myself, and obese middle aged woman - with very bad lungs, and on medications known to increase appetite and weight gain (steroids). Quite a pickle, I find myself in.
A few years ago, right after my father died I went to get a second opinion on the whole "asthma" thing...I wasn't getting better, as a matter of fact I was getting worse - my primary care physician was exasperated and at a loss...and I was frustrated - I hadn't felt well for months (I had bigger fish to fry - my father was dying), and been unable to work for months because of my health.
So, I fortuitously (really, I think it was a God "intervention") ran into the Medical Director of the ICU and Pulmonology at the hospital I worked at, when I was coming in to pick up some prescriptions - told him what had been going on and asked him if he'd be willing to give a "second opinion" - "of course" he responded and added he had noticed I'd been "huffing and puffing" for awhile....and he didn't say anything, because...??? So, a few days later I went in, filled out the paper work and he did an exam, at the end of which he said, "Nanci, asthma isn't your problem....I'm not sure what it is, but it isn't asthma...". Then he named off a list of potential diagnoses, none of which I liked. After pulmonary function tests and several thousand dollars of lab work I got a diagnosis....IgG deficiency - Ig1 - Ig3, and lupus.
Within a few weeks I was in the hospital and on the ventilator...I also had Graves Disease and the combo of the three was too much for my lungs...which had lost about 40% of their function at that point. I had ht the autoimmune trifecta!!!
So, now, I find myself on total disability, oxygen dependent, taking a mountain of pills everyday...saying, if something like this can happen to me - a fairly savvy medical professional, it can happen to anyone.
Then, I get back to the weight thing - not being obese would do wonders for my lungs and all around health. Weight is something I have struggled with a good portion of my life, had pretty much reigned it in and then "let myself go". Now, exercising is a pretty tricky adventure, because my endurance and capacity is in the dumper because of the lung disease.
How do I forgive myself for being in this mess?? Well, starting last week I'm trying to be proactive. No, I can't change my medical diagnosis (it is incurable and eventually fatal), I can't change the fact I was misdiagnosed for years - just because I have an odd ball autoimmune disease that most docs don't look for, even the good ones; and I can't change what was and past choices....BUT, I can change the now and embrace those opportunities. So, last Thursday I joined Weight Watchers.
Now, this isn't my first rodeo, with weight loss attempts and/or Weight Watchers. But, I'm "doing" it with a cousin of mine and a couple of his friends I know....and I know, the accountability of the weekly weigh-in is something I need and will be helpful for me. This weekend I went to the grocery and made my fridge/freezer/pantry all weight watchers friendly.
So, I'd like to think I'm on the road to forgiveness....for me, to really forgive myself for something always involves some kind of "action", and I'm in "action" now!
Hmm....well, I guess one of the biggest things I need to forgive myself for is not taking care of myself, primarily in the physical sense.
Now, I'm a nurse, you know....and I don't smoke and I don't drink with any regularity or excess...BUT we do have to eat, right??? Yes we do...but to excess that isn't a good thing either.
There was a time in my life when I exercised with regularity....tennis, racquetball, swimming, biking, aerobics....and then...I got married and everything that was "normal" wasn't anymore. Now, marriage is no excuse and I'm not casting blame, but that is when I allowed my reality to change.
It was also after I got married I was diagnosed with "asthma"....more on that later.
So, now I find myself, and obese middle aged woman - with very bad lungs, and on medications known to increase appetite and weight gain (steroids). Quite a pickle, I find myself in.
A few years ago, right after my father died I went to get a second opinion on the whole "asthma" thing...I wasn't getting better, as a matter of fact I was getting worse - my primary care physician was exasperated and at a loss...and I was frustrated - I hadn't felt well for months (I had bigger fish to fry - my father was dying), and been unable to work for months because of my health.
So, I fortuitously (really, I think it was a God "intervention") ran into the Medical Director of the ICU and Pulmonology at the hospital I worked at, when I was coming in to pick up some prescriptions - told him what had been going on and asked him if he'd be willing to give a "second opinion" - "of course" he responded and added he had noticed I'd been "huffing and puffing" for awhile....and he didn't say anything, because...??? So, a few days later I went in, filled out the paper work and he did an exam, at the end of which he said, "Nanci, asthma isn't your problem....I'm not sure what it is, but it isn't asthma...". Then he named off a list of potential diagnoses, none of which I liked. After pulmonary function tests and several thousand dollars of lab work I got a diagnosis....IgG deficiency - Ig1 - Ig3, and lupus.
Within a few weeks I was in the hospital and on the ventilator...I also had Graves Disease and the combo of the three was too much for my lungs...which had lost about 40% of their function at that point. I had ht the autoimmune trifecta!!!
So, now, I find myself on total disability, oxygen dependent, taking a mountain of pills everyday...saying, if something like this can happen to me - a fairly savvy medical professional, it can happen to anyone.
Then, I get back to the weight thing - not being obese would do wonders for my lungs and all around health. Weight is something I have struggled with a good portion of my life, had pretty much reigned it in and then "let myself go". Now, exercising is a pretty tricky adventure, because my endurance and capacity is in the dumper because of the lung disease.
How do I forgive myself for being in this mess?? Well, starting last week I'm trying to be proactive. No, I can't change my medical diagnosis (it is incurable and eventually fatal), I can't change the fact I was misdiagnosed for years - just because I have an odd ball autoimmune disease that most docs don't look for, even the good ones; and I can't change what was and past choices....BUT, I can change the now and embrace those opportunities. So, last Thursday I joined Weight Watchers.
Now, this isn't my first rodeo, with weight loss attempts and/or Weight Watchers. But, I'm "doing" it with a cousin of mine and a couple of his friends I know....and I know, the accountability of the weekly weigh-in is something I need and will be helpful for me. This weekend I went to the grocery and made my fridge/freezer/pantry all weight watchers friendly.
So, I'd like to think I'm on the road to forgiveness....for me, to really forgive myself for something always involves some kind of "action", and I'm in "action" now!
Saturday, November 06, 2010
Perhaps 60 Days of Truth...Day 2
Well, this might turn out of be a 60 day adventure if I keep up this way....perhaps I need to work on follow through too!
I digress...Day 2...something I love about myself.
Like "hate", love seems like an almost over the top, self indulgent word. But, like hate, I didn't make these "rules" up, I'm just trying to work within them.
I'd have to say the thing I love about myself is my intuition and learning to listen to it...really, it never fails me, if I listen to it.
The whole "intuition" thing is hard to explain and /or describe. It's that gut feeling and "still small voice of God" all rolled into one. Its "knowing" without knowing, or before all the dominoes fall. Sometimes it feels like a curse and sometimes a blessing.
When my husband was critically ill, I found myself sitting straight up in bed, in a hotel across from the hospital...about 30 seconds of sitting up my phone rang telling me I needed to get to the hospital. Later that day he died....was it my connection to my husband, that "still small voice of God"...it's all that and more, it's intuition. It can wake a person out of a deep sleep or gently happen...the key is to listen, really, it is never wrong.
Before that my grandmother became ill, Mom had called me from the ER late at night telling me they had taken Grandma (Mom's mother) to the hospital. I stayed until early in the morning, after they decided to admit her. Got up a few hours later and went to work...I was exhausted, a couple of hours before quiting time I told my boss I had to go home, I was exhausted - explained why and left with his blessing. On my way home I came to an intersection where if I turned right I'd end up at the hospital...home was straight ahead. Well, almost involuntarily, I found myself turning right. Long story short - I was able to call my mother who had gone home and my uncle in Texas telling him to get back to Indiana. Mom got to the hospital w/my sister in time...but, a few hours after my arrival, my grandmother had died.
Not to think this intuition thing is all bad - it's not. Good things happen too! If I find myself thinking about a friend more than "normal" I pick up the phone and call them just to say "hi" and check in and see what's going on in their life...and usually something is, and often it's great news!
So, gift or curse, I've struggled with that. In the end, I've decided intuition is a gift, and I do pay attention to it.
I digress...Day 2...something I love about myself.
Like "hate", love seems like an almost over the top, self indulgent word. But, like hate, I didn't make these "rules" up, I'm just trying to work within them.
I'd have to say the thing I love about myself is my intuition and learning to listen to it...really, it never fails me, if I listen to it.
The whole "intuition" thing is hard to explain and /or describe. It's that gut feeling and "still small voice of God" all rolled into one. Its "knowing" without knowing, or before all the dominoes fall. Sometimes it feels like a curse and sometimes a blessing.
When my husband was critically ill, I found myself sitting straight up in bed, in a hotel across from the hospital...about 30 seconds of sitting up my phone rang telling me I needed to get to the hospital. Later that day he died....was it my connection to my husband, that "still small voice of God"...it's all that and more, it's intuition. It can wake a person out of a deep sleep or gently happen...the key is to listen, really, it is never wrong.
Before that my grandmother became ill, Mom had called me from the ER late at night telling me they had taken Grandma (Mom's mother) to the hospital. I stayed until early in the morning, after they decided to admit her. Got up a few hours later and went to work...I was exhausted, a couple of hours before quiting time I told my boss I had to go home, I was exhausted - explained why and left with his blessing. On my way home I came to an intersection where if I turned right I'd end up at the hospital...home was straight ahead. Well, almost involuntarily, I found myself turning right. Long story short - I was able to call my mother who had gone home and my uncle in Texas telling him to get back to Indiana. Mom got to the hospital w/my sister in time...but, a few hours after my arrival, my grandmother had died.
Not to think this intuition thing is all bad - it's not. Good things happen too! If I find myself thinking about a friend more than "normal" I pick up the phone and call them just to say "hi" and check in and see what's going on in their life...and usually something is, and often it's great news!
So, gift or curse, I've struggled with that. In the end, I've decided intuition is a gift, and I do pay attention to it.
Thursday, November 04, 2010
Day 1 - Thirty Days of Truth
Day One - What is something you hate about yourself...
Well, let me start out by saying this isn't the most affirming way to set out on an adventure - of self awareness or anything else! But, I didn't "make the rules", so, I'll just go with it!
There was a time when I would say I pretty much "hated" everything about myself; but, with time, age, life experience and yes some counseling along the way I can honestly say I don't really "hate" anything about myself. HOWEVER, there are things that I can definitely improve upon, things that annoy me about myself and I'm sure can exasperate other folks....and really, no need to agree with me, I understand the "truth" of it.
The one thing that probably gets in my way the most is my failure to know when to look at the big picture and when to look at the details. I'm probably "built" to look at details and that was pretty essential when I was actively practicing nursing. But with life experiences - my husband's death, the death of my parents, my own health issues I've learned that really, seeing the big picture and letting go of the crap (and I mean dismissing the crap out of hand) is pretty important.
I think the "trick" is to remember that the details are important to people you're interacting with, one on one or in a small group. Which I totally get, because it's important to me when one on one and in a small group.
That being said, the big picture, being about to sift out the lumps and bumps in life that nobody is going to care about tomorrow, let alone next month or next year - is really where it's at. There is really not a whole lot worth getting too worked up or angry about, life is just way to short.
It is more clear to me than ever that we are shaped by our life experiences, it's what we do with those experiences that counts.
And yes, for better or for worse, the devil is in the details.
Well, let me start out by saying this isn't the most affirming way to set out on an adventure - of self awareness or anything else! But, I didn't "make the rules", so, I'll just go with it!
There was a time when I would say I pretty much "hated" everything about myself; but, with time, age, life experience and yes some counseling along the way I can honestly say I don't really "hate" anything about myself. HOWEVER, there are things that I can definitely improve upon, things that annoy me about myself and I'm sure can exasperate other folks....and really, no need to agree with me, I understand the "truth" of it.
The one thing that probably gets in my way the most is my failure to know when to look at the big picture and when to look at the details. I'm probably "built" to look at details and that was pretty essential when I was actively practicing nursing. But with life experiences - my husband's death, the death of my parents, my own health issues I've learned that really, seeing the big picture and letting go of the crap (and I mean dismissing the crap out of hand) is pretty important.
I think the "trick" is to remember that the details are important to people you're interacting with, one on one or in a small group. Which I totally get, because it's important to me when one on one and in a small group.
That being said, the big picture, being about to sift out the lumps and bumps in life that nobody is going to care about tomorrow, let alone next month or next year - is really where it's at. There is really not a whole lot worth getting too worked up or angry about, life is just way to short.
It is more clear to me than ever that we are shaped by our life experiences, it's what we do with those experiences that counts.
And yes, for better or for worse, the devil is in the details.
Wednesday, November 03, 2010
Hmmmm
Hmmm...it's been a long time since I've visited here, let alone post.
Lots of time has past, too much to even try and recount. I'm inspired to come back by a friend of mine. At church, during this stewardship season, we are challenged to mindfully be engaged in "28 days of giving", based on a book with the same or similar name. My friend passed along that he was accepting a challenge of 28 days of "truth" - don't get worried this is about self truth, not about rants and raves. Now, all I need to do is try and figure out how to cut and paste the list of each day, which I'm finding tricky!
So, as we enter the season of Thanksgiving, Advent, Christmas, and New Years I'm accepting the challenge - 3o Days of Truth. We'll see what happens, how reflective I can be!
Lots of time has past, too much to even try and recount. I'm inspired to come back by a friend of mine. At church, during this stewardship season, we are challenged to mindfully be engaged in "28 days of giving", based on a book with the same or similar name. My friend passed along that he was accepting a challenge of 28 days of "truth" - don't get worried this is about self truth, not about rants and raves. Now, all I need to do is try and figure out how to cut and paste the list of each day, which I'm finding tricky!
So, as we enter the season of Thanksgiving, Advent, Christmas, and New Years I'm accepting the challenge - 3o Days of Truth. We'll see what happens, how reflective I can be!
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Sweet Jesus
So, here I am, multiple months since my last 'blog'. Why for the absence - I don't know. Certainly not because I have an overly exciting and/or entertaining life - though the three year old is always good for the unexpected and brings a lot of fun to the house. Or has it been indifference - no, I don't think that's it...I've been accused of a lot of things, but, indifference isn't one of them.
Time it seems to me is a real dichotomy. On the one hand life is so fragile - it can be taken away in the in blink of an eye or simply slip away like sand through my fingers. And then on the other hand time keeps marching on, no matter what - calling a little 'time out' every now and then would be nice, just to catch your breath or regroup - but no, time just keeps on keeping on. Again, having a three year old in the house makes that crystal clear to me, when time is measured by how many "sleeps" it is until something will happen - usually something good and exciting.
I don't know, time it seems to me is a little overrated. Whoever said 'time heals all' didn't have a clue what they were talking about - the hole in my heart that belongs to my husband is no smaller today than the day he died - and the void in my life that Mom filled is no less either. There just really isn't "healing" for some things.
I would think that as I get more "mature" that "things" wouldn't bother me as much that losses wouldn't feel so great - but again, a wrong assumption. So, I just say to myself "Sweet Jesus" and keep on keeping on.,...because time doesn't stand still - never.
Time it seems to me is a real dichotomy. On the one hand life is so fragile - it can be taken away in the in blink of an eye or simply slip away like sand through my fingers. And then on the other hand time keeps marching on, no matter what - calling a little 'time out' every now and then would be nice, just to catch your breath or regroup - but no, time just keeps on keeping on. Again, having a three year old in the house makes that crystal clear to me, when time is measured by how many "sleeps" it is until something will happen - usually something good and exciting.
I don't know, time it seems to me is a little overrated. Whoever said 'time heals all' didn't have a clue what they were talking about - the hole in my heart that belongs to my husband is no smaller today than the day he died - and the void in my life that Mom filled is no less either. There just really isn't "healing" for some things.
I would think that as I get more "mature" that "things" wouldn't bother me as much that losses wouldn't feel so great - but again, a wrong assumption. So, I just say to myself "Sweet Jesus" and keep on keeping on.,...because time doesn't stand still - never.
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