Seventy five years ago today, my mother was born. It will be six years in May since she died and left this earth.

Now, the good news is, my belief system is such that I believe that her loving spirit is still very much alive, and is in some ways more "present" than ever. The "bad" news is that she not HERE with ME and my siblings, and all who considered Mom friend and family.

I think about her everyday - first thing in the morning as I prepare my coffee and add in the flavored creamer, Mom informed me I liked a little coffee with my cream and sugar! When I look out my windows and see all the birds, especially the regal cardinal, I'm reminded of Mom's love of the outdoors and how much she taught us about flowers, and birds, and nature. Still, after almost six years and I'm doing something and think, "I need to ask Mom..." and get rudely shaken back into the reality that I can no longer pick up the phone or walk next door for her experience and/or advice....she was wary of giving advice, but would tell you what she thought was "right".

What did I learn from my mother - so much, and I'm still learning how much I learned - it's like little Mom gifts when those insights and realizations happen. My mother was more comfortable in her own skin than anyone I have ever known - and that is something I aspire to, and work on every day - to know who I am, what I am at this moment, and know I may still grow, if I take the opportunity.

So, March 10 will always have more meaning than most other days - it is my Mom's day.

Happy Birthday Mom - we love you and miss you.

Day 4 - Something I Need to Forgive Someone Else For

Well, well...this is quite the conundrum....because, really I don't know that at this point in my life I can think of anyone I'm holding onto enough anger and/or frustration that I need to forgive.

Now this has not always been the case - there have been several people, instances that I fumed and fused about - but really, what was gained. The answer is nothing - it was an exercise in a colossal waste of time and energy. And quite frankly the other person didn't give a fig, if they even acknowledged the problem.

So, now, learning some important lessons along the way, forgiveness is generally granted on the spot with no fanfare. Life is just way too short to live in that angry state, that someone needs forgiveness.

Day 3

Day 3 - something I need to forgive myself for.

Hmm....well, I guess one of the biggest things I need to forgive myself for is not taking care of myself, primarily in the physical sense.

Now, I'm a nurse, you know....and I don't smoke and I don't drink with any regularity or excess...BUT we do have to eat, right??? Yes we do...but to excess that isn't a good thing either.

There was a time in my life when I exercised with regularity....tennis, racquetball, swimming, biking, aerobics....and then...I got married and everything that was "normal" wasn't anymore. Now, marriage is no excuse and I'm not casting blame, but that is when I allowed my reality to change.

It was also after I got married I was diagnosed with "asthma"....more on that later.

So, now I find myself, and obese middle aged woman - with very bad lungs, and on medications known to increase appetite and weight gain (steroids). Quite a pickle, I find myself in.

A few years ago, right after my father died I went to get a second opinion on the whole "asthma" thing...I wasn't getting better, as a matter of fact I was getting worse - my primary care physician was exasperated and at a loss...and I was frustrated - I hadn't felt well for months (I had bigger fish to fry - my father was dying), and been unable to work for months because of my health.

So, I fortuitously (really, I think it was a God "intervention") ran into the Medical Director of the ICU and Pulmonology at the hospital I worked at, when I was coming in to pick up some prescriptions - told him what had been going on and asked him if he'd be willing to give a "second opinion" - "of course" he responded and added he had noticed I'd been "huffing and puffing" for awhile....and he didn't say anything, because...??? So, a few days later I went in, filled out the paper work and he did an exam, at the end of which he said, "Nanci, asthma isn't your problem....I'm not sure what it is, but it isn't asthma...". Then he named off a list of potential diagnoses, none of which I liked. After pulmonary function tests and several thousand dollars of lab work I got a diagnosis....IgG deficiency - Ig1 - Ig3, and lupus.

Within a few weeks I was in the hospital and on the ventilator...I also had Graves Disease and the combo of the three was too much for my lungs...which had lost about 40% of their function at that point. I had ht the autoimmune trifecta!!!

So, now, I find myself on total disability, oxygen dependent, taking a mountain of pills everyday...saying, if something like this can happen to me - a fairly savvy medical professional, it can happen to anyone.

Then, I get back to the weight thing - not being obese would do wonders for my lungs and all around health. Weight is something I have struggled with a good portion of my life, had pretty much reigned it in and then "let myself go". Now, exercising is a pretty tricky adventure, because my endurance and capacity is in the dumper because of the lung disease.

How do I forgive myself for being in this mess?? Well, starting last week I'm trying to be proactive. No, I can't change my medical diagnosis (it is incurable and eventually fatal), I can't change the fact I was misdiagnosed for years - just because I have an odd ball autoimmune disease that most docs don't look for, even the good ones; and I can't change what was and past choices....BUT, I can change the now and embrace those opportunities. So, last Thursday I joined Weight Watchers.

Now, this isn't my first rodeo, with weight loss attempts and/or Weight Watchers. But, I'm "doing" it with a cousin of mine and a couple of his friends I know....and I know, the accountability of the weekly weigh-in is something I need and will be helpful for me. This weekend I went to the grocery and made my fridge/freezer/pantry all weight watchers friendly.

So, I'd like to think I'm on the road to forgiveness....for me, to really forgive myself for something always involves some kind of "action", and I'm in "action" now!

Perhaps 60 Days of Truth...Day 2

Well, this might turn out of be a 60 day adventure if I keep up this way....perhaps I need to work on follow through too!

I digress...Day 2...something I love about myself.

Like "hate", love seems like an almost over the top, self indulgent word. But, like hate, I didn't make these "rules" up, I'm just trying to work within them.

I'd have to say the thing I love about myself is my intuition and learning to listen to it...really, it never fails me, if I listen to it.

The whole "intuition" thing is hard to explain and /or describe. It's that gut feeling and "still small voice of God" all rolled into one. Its "knowing" without knowing, or before all the dominoes fall. Sometimes it feels like a curse and sometimes a blessing.

When my husband was critically ill, I found myself sitting straight up in bed, in a hotel across from the hospital...about 30 seconds of sitting up my phone rang telling me I needed to get to the hospital. Later that day he died....was it my connection to my husband, that "still small voice of God"...it's all that and more, it's intuition. It can wake a person out of a deep sleep or gently happen...the key is to listen, really, it is never wrong.

Before that my grandmother became ill, Mom had called me from the ER late at night telling me they had taken Grandma (Mom's mother) to the hospital. I stayed until early in the morning, after they decided to admit her. Got up a few hours later and went to work...I was exhausted, a couple of hours before quiting time I told my boss I had to go home, I was exhausted - explained why and left with his blessing. On my way home I came to an intersection where if I turned right I'd end up at the hospital...home was straight ahead. Well, almost involuntarily, I found myself turning right. Long story short - I was able to call my mother who had gone home and my uncle in Texas telling him to get back to Indiana. Mom got to the hospital w/my sister in time...but, a few hours after my arrival, my grandmother had died.

Not to think this intuition thing is all bad - it's not. Good things happen too! If I find myself thinking about a friend more than "normal" I pick up the phone and call them just to say "hi" and check in and see what's going on in their life...and usually something is, and often it's great news!

So, gift or curse, I've struggled with that. In the end, I've decided intuition is a gift, and I do pay attention to it.

Day 1 - Thirty Days of Truth

Day One - What is something you hate about yourself...

Well, let me start out by saying this isn't the most affirming way to set out on an adventure - of self awareness or anything else! But, I didn't "make the rules", so, I'll just go with it!

There was a time when I would say I pretty much "hated" everything about myself; but, with time, age, life experience and yes some counseling along the way I can honestly say I don't really "hate" anything about myself. HOWEVER, there are things that I can definitely improve upon, things that annoy me about myself and I'm sure can exasperate other folks....and really, no need to agree with me, I understand the "truth" of it.

The one thing that probably gets in my way the most is my failure to know when to look at the big picture and when to look at the details. I'm probably "built" to look at details and that was pretty essential when I was actively practicing nursing. But with life experiences - my husband's death, the death of my parents, my own health issues I've learned that really, seeing the big picture and letting go of the crap (and I mean dismissing the crap out of hand) is pretty important.

I think the "trick" is to remember that the details are important to people you're interacting with, one on one or in a small group. Which I totally get, because it's important to me when one on one and in a small group.

That being said, the big picture, being about to sift out the lumps and bumps in life that nobody is going to care about tomorrow, let alone next month or next year - is really where it's at. There is really not a whole lot worth getting too worked up or angry about, life is just way to short.

It is more clear to me than ever that we are shaped by our life experiences, it's what we do with those experiences that counts.

And yes, for better or for worse, the devil is in the details.

Hmmmm

Hmmm...it's been a long time since I've visited here, let alone post.

Lots of time has past, too much to even try and recount. I'm inspired to come back by a friend of mine. At church, during this stewardship season, we are challenged to mindfully be engaged in "28 days of giving", based on a book with the same or similar name. My friend passed along that he was accepting a challenge of 28 days of "truth" - don't get worried this is about self truth, not about rants and raves. Now, all I need to do is try and figure out how to cut and paste the list of each day, which I'm finding tricky!

So, as we enter the season of Thanksgiving, Advent, Christmas, and New Years I'm accepting the challenge - 3o Days of Truth. We'll see what happens, how reflective I can be!

Sweet Jesus

So, here I am, multiple months since my last 'blog'. Why for the absence - I don't know. Certainly not because I have an overly exciting and/or entertaining life - though the three year old is always good for the unexpected and brings a lot of fun to the house. Or has it been indifference - no, I don't think that's it...I've been accused of a lot of things, but, indifference isn't one of them.

Time it seems to me is a real dichotomy. On the one hand life is so fragile - it can be taken away in the in blink of an eye or simply slip away like sand through my fingers. And then on the other hand time keeps marching on, no matter what - calling a little 'time out' every now and then would be nice, just to catch your breath or regroup - but no, time just keeps on keeping on. Again, having a three year old in the house makes that crystal clear to me, when time is measured by how many "sleeps" it is until something will happen - usually something good and exciting.

I don't know, time it seems to me is a little overrated. Whoever said 'time heals all' didn't have a clue what they were talking about - the hole in my heart that belongs to my husband is no smaller today than the day he died - and the void in my life that Mom filled is no less either. There just really isn't "healing" for some things.

I would think that as I get more "mature" that "things" wouldn't bother me as much that losses wouldn't feel so great - but again, a wrong assumption. So, I just say to myself "Sweet Jesus" and keep on keeping on.,...because time doesn't stand still - never.

Sweet Sweet Springtime....

For at least the last two years yours truly has not done any gardening - to speak of. Last summer I had the landscaping people out to do the whole works, and they did a nice job and will be back this year!

Well, Sunday I was on it! Spent the day gardening and going to the garden center to get things for gardening. It was such a fruitful day....the herb garden is planted with our favorite herbs (there is nothing better than fresh dill!) and on Amy's recommendation I also planted a hibiscus in the corner of the herb garden - it all looks beautiful. Amy suggested that I plant some of the lower to the ground and/or creeping herbs in the window box of what is now Sara's room (my old bedroom) - that was pure genius....and then she suggested getting marigolds around the perimeter of the garden...animals don't like the marigolds!

So we took a mid-afternoon break and Rob, Sara, Amy and I loaded up into 'Blue' (Amy's mini-van, that can almost drive itself!) and were off to Lowe's where I picked up the aforementioned marigolds and another little flower for behind the herbs in the window box....I needed potting soil, I had plants I had received when Mom died (almost 4 years ago!) that were still in the original pots. Also got some much needed gardening gloves...I'm sure I have some around here, but at this point I'm not going to aggravate myself trying to find them - think, needle in a haystack!

By the end of the day not only was the herb garden and window box done...but I got all the rose bushes pruned, 24 strawberry plants in the ground, indoor plants re-potted and another bed cleaned up.

I can't tell you what a wonderful time I had. Now, I'm not exceedingly fast, bending over really takes my air away. So, I'd dig and plant a couple of things and then sit on the back step and drink some ice tea...so, speedy I'm not! Amy and Sara hung out with me most of the day, which was great - Amy really does have an eye for good aesthetics and hung out with Mom when Mom was in her gardening glory....after I was grown and moved out! And Sara loved 'helping' whenever water was involved....she loves playing in water!!!

The other thing about my day playing in the dirt....it's like Mom is right there. Mom's last day at home was Mother's Day and on that day, we got her in her wheelchair and I rolled her next door, to my house, and she sat with me while I was doing some gardening. Those are sweet, sweet memories for me.

So, now we are having April showers, and hopefully my plants and herbs and flowers are all 'happy'. But, irrespective, I have those sweet, sweet memories - forever.

I Got the Keys....

Last Friday it happened....I got the keys to my new living space, the transformed attic!!! The furniture had been delivered on Tuesday, they worked on changing the previous attic door into what looks like a finished pass through from the front hall to the stairs, and they worked on getting the final details done and the space cleaned up.

Really, I love this space - it's open and bright and comfortable, everything I was aiming for, I love it when a plan comes together!!!

My sister has decided to call this new space "the penthouse"....not exactly. I still love the rest of my house too - I've got to break this space in, don't 'cha know!!!

There are still 'details' - a couple of area rugs, mirrors for the bathroom (just ordered them this AM - gotta love Overstock.com!), pictures, and some plants....more dollar signs, but now I know what the space is.

Ah, yes....I love it when a plan comes together!!!

Dad

Two years ago today - it was two years ago today that Dad died. It was a sunny but blustery day - complete with snow on the ground and swirling winds. Today Sara and I drove down to Columbus to visit my grandmother (Sara's great-grandmother), we saw the older of Dad's two younger sister's - and we drove by the house Dad spent most of his growing up years in, the family farm where I've spent countless hours - it just seemed like the thing to do, especially today.

It's hard to believe it's been two years. In some ways it seems like a lifetime ago - and yet I expect him to come walking through my front door, cocktail in hand saying "Nanc"..... As much as my father could make me absolutely nutz I would give most anything to share more time with him. My comfort is knowing that he and Mom are together again, she really was his soul mate and his soul was fractured after Mom died, though he would never talk about it - at least with us kids.

Dad was not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, yet it was rare you'd hear him admit he was 'wrong' about something - which could get a little annoying to the rest of us. As I got older, a little smarter, and more patient, I realized Dad was a product of his upbringing, gene pool, and the time he lived in....not excuses, just reality.

Of the three of us I probably locked horns with my father most often from my teenage years on into adulthood, (though my brother could give me a run for the money sometimes!). Though those weren't the most enjoyable parts of my life - they were definitely learning times. The last few years of Dad's life we were able to interact with each other more as adults...but let there be no doubt I was always THE kid!!!!! Dad learned that his oldest daughter was pretty smart and could navigate around the medical community with pretty good efficiency - and I think he realized that even though I do have an emotional side, I'm not driven by my emotions - at least not in most cases.

Dad and Mom would be pleased that my brother, sister and I have managed to hang together and continue to be an active part of each others life - that's the way they would want it, and it's hard to imagine life being any other way.

Yeah, it's really hard to believe Dad died two years ago today - I miss you and love you Dad, we all miss you.

Back in the saddle....

One short week ago I was walking white sandy beaches with temperatures in the 80's and a bright sun, lounging by the Caribbean or laying by a refreshing pool, sipping on drinks with little umbrellas in them and the people around me couldn't do enough to make me happy..... Now, I'm back in middle America there are close to 18" of snow on the ground, yesterday it didn't make it to 20, if I'm not careful I'll land on my bum while trying to navigate the snow covered sidewalks/parking lots...and my happiness is not at the top of anyones priority list. Welcome Home!!!!!

My 10 day adventure to San Juan and the southern Caribbean was really a little slice of heaven. It is the first real vacation I've had in a very long time...where I didn't have to do anything; be anywhere; make any kind of decision aside from what I wanted to eat off the dinner menu/what wine I wanted/or little umbrella drink I wanted. I didn't open my day planner one time while I was gone, and though I usually wore my watch or had it in my beach bag, it didn't really matter what time it was (of course with the exception of being back on the ship before it left...and that I was on time for my dinner seating!). Amy and I went on a New England vacation about 5-6 years ago - but that was colored by the fact that we had just found out about our mother's cancer - it was a 'presence' even though the two of us didn't talk about it....the proverbial 'elephant in the room'.

I feel like I came home a much happier, rested, and more relaxed person than I was when I left - and hopefully I'm not as grumpy and impatient as I was before I left. Lesson learned....get away for even a few days with some regularity, especially while there are household upheavals - for everyone's sake!

The southern Caribbean is really quite beautiful. Last Saturday Becki and I had lunch on the top of a mountain (we took a tram up and down) - with all outside seating, it overlooked the bay of St. Thomas and it was just spectacular...and they made a great chef salad! I decided I could take this cruise again and be happy never getting off the boat - just enjoying all the sunshine and relaxation.

So, now it's back to reality - to get back in the saddle! Today Sara and I are hanging out together - it just amazes me how a little person can just make my heart soar. Spent time yesterday on some church projects. Really, I'm easing back into life....I was smart enough not to schedule anything this week!!

Brrrrr.....

OK - I generally love living in the Midwest, with the change of seasons and all that the different seasons bring....though I would dump the summer humidity if I could! Anyway, that being said, it just isn't right when the temperature is -25, with the wind chill!!!

This morning I went outside to take some trash to the burn barrel and took a header, right into the snow, one glove off because I was wrangling some of the burnables. You need to understand, the burn barrel is in my sister's yard, next door and they are in the throws of renovation and construction next door, so really the yard is now nothing but a big construction zone (it has been complete with backhoe!) and thus the ground is very, very uneven. I know all of this, but when you put several inches of fresh snow on top of the ground everything looks pretty even!!! Oh, I'm fine...aside from feeling like and idiot!!!

My remodel project is coming along - it's no longer like a freezer up there, they hooked up the furnace/AC Tuesday. Tuesday they also hung all of the drywall - and now they are 'taping' and 'filling'....from what I can tell, to make everything even, cover up seams and nail holes! Then the trim goes in and then painting. This morning I decided this was going to be a reality, it's not just conceptual...though you'd think with all the checks I've written that would make things 'real'!!!

A week from today I'm leaving this cold weather behind for a week!!! Flying to San Juan for a couple of days and boarding a cruise liner for a week of relaxation and fun!!! Again, today it finally seem 'real'! I am anxious to see the southern Caribbean - Aruba; Netherlands, Antilles; Grenada; Dominica; and the Virgin Islands. I see this as a vacation that is all about beaches, pools, and drinks with little umbrellas in them!!!! That's not to say that there might be a little shopping involved too.....

So, for now is Brrrrrr...but in six months I'll be lamenting the heat and humidity and would give most anything for the cooler weather!!!

There is no denying it....

...it really is 2009. I know, we are five days deep into this new year; but, somehow today it hit me - "HEY, it IS a NEW YEAR!"

Perhaps what set this 'revelation' in motion was when I drove up to my house I realized how different it looks now, compared to a few short months ago, back in 2008. It's not just another house, or the house I inherited from my mother and father - it is indeed MY house, and I have and continue to put my personal stamp on it...it really is home. It struck me that this place now really is inviting, and has taken on that 'English cottage' look I've been trying to cultivate - and I like it, and am happy it's my home.

As I looked back on 2008 I have to say it was a fairly good year. First no close or extended family members died, was diagnosed with a dreadful disease, or struck with some other catastrophe. This past year I think I've 'come to terms' with this autoimmune disease I have - I've learned to live with it, instead of in spite of it....though I really think this is going to be a life long challenge - I don't particularly like anything (or anyone) dictating what I am able or unable to do. Quality time in the hospital has actually been pretty minimal...take away January and February and the very first of March - and I was hospital free...I take that as a victory. Yes, I still have to build my life around infusions every 28 days, and will continue to have to do this for the rest of my life - but in the big picture, it's not a Mother Theresa sacrifice!

In 2008 I was able to travel quite a bit. March was a great trip to Disney World with Tabitha and her family - more specifically, my three granddaughters....my first time there! There were several trips to Texas to spend time with Tabitha and her family - the last time in November when I got to meet my new grandson, Maverick - he's a kid who doesn't like to ride in the car, and he's part of a family that is on the go, go, go....God has a wicked sense of humor!!! In June I went to Texas, and came home with my oldest granddaughter Isabel who spent almost three weeks with me...her visit included a long weekend in Chicago and a day in the city seeing the sites - Isabel is an awesome little girl!

My big venture of 2008 was a 2 week European vacation - most of the time spent on a cruise ship sailing the Baltic Sea. Yes, I visited The Little Mermaid and Tivoli Garden - and several castles and shopped the shops of the city. Our ports took us to Denmark, Sweden, Finland, Russia, Poland, Estonia, and Germany. Russia and Germany were real highlights - we spent two days in Russia, and you could spend weeks there, taking it all in - the history of the country is fascinating, the people were kind (except the pickpockets who swiped my camera from my fanny pack...they almost got my passport, before I realized what was going on!), and REAL beef stroganoff is fabulous! We went to Berlin, Germany - and again, the history of the place is just incredible...to be able to walk through the Brandenburg Gate, touch the Berlin Wall, and walk freely through Checkpoint Charlie were powerful, powerful experiences. Perhaps my favorite place to visit, and somewhere I would go back to in a heartbeat is Estonia - exactly how you picture picturesque Europe - and they have great woolens!

My other 'big' news is all the renovations here, at my home. Currently the attic is turning into a master suite - and it is really beginning to take shape - you can 'see' where the actual living areas are going to be, where the loo is....it is really going to be an amazing space when they get done.

Since late fall my sister and her family have been living here with me - their house, next door really is uninhabitable. We all have our moments - my brother-in-law and I tend to put my sister "in the middle", and that is something I'm really working on, it makes her justifiably crazy! Sometimes this house gets a little small for three strong willed adults none of whom are short on opinion - and then you throw the cutest, smartest three year old there is in the mix....well, all bets are off! But really, it's great that they are here, and I'm sure I'll miss the company once they can go home to there both restored and new home, sometime this spring.

So, here we are 2009, and who knows what this year will hold. There is an exciting inevitability about a new year - it's here, ready or not!

It's a week (well almost) after Christmas, when all through the house, the hammers are pounding and the saws are sawing, and electricians and plumbers are working without a single grouse!

The roofers wanted to start on New Year's day, but this homeowner said 'iksney'!

As if this isn't enough, the earth movers and cement trucks are are at it next door, and the interior walls are tumbling down too so that your can look from the kitchen to the living room - straight through.

OK...enough of the home construction version of 'The Night Before Christmas'! Suffice it to say that things seem to be firing on all cylinders here and next door...finally! Was up in the attic/master suite last night giving the flashlight tour (currently no electricity up there) to my uncle and his wife from Chicago and almost stepped through the floor/ceiling of the bathroom....some planks have been removed to 'rough in' the plumbing...they're also working on the HVAC and electrical.

And so it goes...................

"Y".....

....the most popular word in my house right now can be boiled down to a singular letter "Y". My three year old niece is all about the 'Y' right now...and when she is not speaking that particular letter, most everything she says is in question form!!!

When talking about this with my dad's brother, "Uncle Paul" he suggested there is but one answer for that question...."Y" not!!! I have experimented with that response and actually, it is fairly effective - she has no clue what to do with that question!

We had a great Christmas here..."Y" you ask...because the three year old had an amazing Christmas - a doll house, dolly, art cart, chimes....all perfection when you're living in the realm of being three!

All the adults and teenagers had a good Christmas too, "Y" is that - everything fits or is something that I needed/wanted, and a couple of surprises. It's always nice when what you give and get are 'on the money'.

So, all is fairly quiet in the land of "Y" - the inquisitor is sleeping..."Y"....because asking questions is tiring work!

Really....?????

Having been a nurse for almost 30 years I'm familiar that different professions have their own 'lingo'. With the current construction project going on in my attic I'm learning that the construction trades certainly have a 'lingo' all their own....and when people have a conversation with me, they look at me and start talking like I REALLY know what they are really saying, when they are speaking this 'language'. REALLY????

Now, the 'lead guy' of the team just came down and told me they were going to need to get into my closet to run the "chase" down to the basement...it involves a three inch pipe - so I'm assuming it revolves around plumbing....really???? He wondered if 'how much I would need to move out of my closet...are you kidding me....REALLY????? Storage space is down to a bear minimum, what do they really think my closet is empty...REALLY???

I've made it a policy not to venture upstairs on any regular basis....but as Sara says, "dair rewee noisee up dair!" - and that they are! The plumbing is suppose to be done this week, that is the 'rough in'...OK, I think I can figure that out too...but, REALLY?!?!?!?! Then there is something fairly straight forward on deck for next week...the HVAC...now do you know what that is....REALLY!!!!

So, the question is, do I continue to look at people and engage with them like I REALLY know what they are talking about - or just fess up when I am clueless and feel like the proverbial deer in the headlights?!?!?! Really..............

Construction, Destruction, and Christmas...

Yes indeedy, it is true the construction is ongoing...and it occurs simultaneously with destruction. Out with the old, in with the new as that old saying goes. Monday through Friday sitting in my living room it pretty much sounds like a war zone up above - thank God those are sturdy hardwood floors up there!!!

And yes, have I mentioned the giant hole that was once the northeast corner/roof of my house?!?!?! Actually, they have 'framed in' what will be the dormer on the north side of the house, it will run the full length of what will be the bathroom. I didn't fully appreciate the gravity of the situation until I came home from the store one day this week, and oh my gosh - thank goodness no one else was on the street!!!

Last week was spent selecting tile, granite, flooring, sinks, toilets, and ordering my dream tub...in addition to everything else!!! For the record - think subway tile/white, mosaic floor tile/black and white, beautiful 'ice' granite, 1940's style sinks w/a toilet that 'matches, an air jet tub w/heated backs, and hardwood pre-distressed maple floors.....the number of choices is crazy. Also, with the cabinet guy and my designer I helped design a custom piece of furniture that is going to be in the bathroom for storage. I'm told I still have 'lighting' to select - as well as 'knobs'....this really takes on a life of it's own.

Today was spent driving to Lafayette to cut down a Christmas tree - Rob cut it down, and now with the star affixed to the top only a few inches away from my 8" ceiling, it stands proudly in the corner of my living room....with the white lights twinkling!!! Tomorrow will be decorating day....Sara is so completely jazzed about this Christmas, it is something - and so much fun!!!! Tomorrow will also be a day to start baking cookies for Santa - and Santa rocks, especially when you're three...but technically Amy started the Christmas baking tonight!!!

Ahhhhhhh.......tis the season!

Think Pink and Purple!!!

I'm not exactly sure how it happens...every year it happens....that suddenly almost inexplicably it becomes December 1 and the world explodes. Granted, Thanksgiving was late this year and pretty much, right after Thanksgiving it was indeed December 1...but still, it never really seems to matter when Thanksgiving comes.

The first full week is occupied with more important 'things' than Christmas preparations and Christmas hoopla....my brothers triplets (who are truly amazing...and they still are at 16!) have their birthday and then 4 days later my sisters' daughter has her birthday...she's going to be 'free' tomorrow!!! Throw in my brother-in-laws birthday and remembering my Dad on his birthday on the 15th - well, you get the idea. It's a jam packed month before you even start considering Christmas.

So tomorrow, it is going to throw up pick and purple at my house. My niece is quite enamoured with fairies, especially Tinkerbell...it's all Tink all the time around here!!! My sister has done her usual amazing job of planning and pulling things off - she's made pink and purple bunting to hang. made star/flower cookies and glazed them with either pink, purple, or white glaze, then put a little gum drop in the middle...very cute. The cupcakes are to be frosted with cream cheese frosting and she has cut out fondant in the shape of flowers to decorate them with...again in pink or purple.

We just did a head count and there will be 15 adults and 9 children here....we will all be cozy, but as long as my niece has an amazing birthday I don't really care how many people are here!!! My contribution to the party is that I'm making goodie bags with chocolates, peppermint candy canes, and a jingly bell. These bags are going to be distributed to all of Sara's guests by the big guy himself, that's right Santa is coming. Sara wrote him a letter and invited him....and he's coming!!! It should be something...I say she's going to be speechless, and let me say....that is saying something!!!!!

Even though there was snow in the air today and we had some accumulation - it has to be pink and purple before it cane be evergreen green and red!!!

Giving Thanks

Here it is, Thanksgiving evening, all is quiet - well, except for the occasional cat growl, hiss, and/or whine, depending on which of the 7 felines currently residing here is expressing their dislike of something that one of the other of the four-legged creatures has done around here....Sara isn't here right now, so it can't be her fault!!!

Today, like many of the two most major holidays (Thanksgiving and Christmas, in my world) I found myself headed south - to the family farm, where my grandmother, our Grammy still lives....even though today she is on the acute rehab until of the hospital recovering from her broken hip. I found the all Christmas music, all the time local radio station (quite by accident) and that music was playing softly in the background.

As I barreled down I65 my brain was something of a movie reel, recalling those hundreds of times I've made this trip - car trips when I was just a little girl; how my brother and I use to make sport of 'picking' at each other for the entire trip making our parents crazy; how we use to have to drive down US 31 until the 'interstate' was built; remembering the last Thanksgiving my mother went to Columbus, her very last Thanksgiving was spent in a hospital; remembering the last Thanksgiving Dad was alive - it was right after finding out he had multiple metastatic brain tumors, and I remember what an unusually quiet trip it was that day - we all knew (in our hearts) this would be Dad's last Thanksgiving with us.....the next thing I knew it was time to 'cut across the country side' on the rural roads to get to my grandmothers - and the corn fields were picked, and most plowed, and there were a couple of fields where the winter wheat is beginning to peek through....and I remembered some of Dad's agronomy tutorials - during the many trips we made across those roads.

All this to say, the real essence of Thanksgiving became clear to me - all that I have to thankful for, and the richly blessed life that I am allowed to live. Really, I have very little to complain about, though I can usually find something at least once a day....which isn't something I'm proud of.

The last 11 years or so have taught me that the most important 'things' in life, really aren't 'thing's or the 'stuff' I have - what really matters are those that are priceless. The list isn't exhaustive, to be sure, but here is the 2009 edition of what I'm thankful for...what is really important in my life:

- God, and living in a country where I am free to worship and express my faith
- having parents who often loved me in spite of myself, and taught me what 'family' is, and means
- parents who may be gone physically, but, whose lessons I still seem to be learning
- a husband who died too young, but taught me what love is, and the deepest love is often difficult
- CJ and Amy
- Sharon and Rob
- the triplets, Kelli and Beaux, and Tony
- Sara Hope
- my large extended family, especially my grandmother and aunts and uncles
- my very smart, funny, and loyal friends
- my step-children and their spouses
- amazing grandchildren
- the gleeful laugh of an almost three year old
- Tinkerbell and the joy 'she' brings to a little girl
- living in a place where I get to enjoy the changing seasons
- living in a country where I can speak my mind, express my thoughts, and move about as I choose
- having a warm, safe, comfortable home to live in...that will be getting 'bigger' soon...hopefully!
- living in a time and place where medical care is accessible and the quality is good
- the opportunity to learn something every day
- laughter - especially in challenging and 'difficult' situations
- cardinals and how their bright red color brightens even the bleakest fall or winter day
- every day, really God's daily gift

I like to think that daily I am a grateful, thankful person - but somehow, Thanksgiving brings it in to sharp focus for me...and though it does sound corny, really being thankful needs to be something I'm more intentional about, everyday.

Hospitals and Retail Therapy

First, nobody has to be a smarty pants and point out to me this is three posts in less than a week - maybe, just maybe I'm getting the hang of this, at long last. Though when I was in Texas our oldest got me all signed up with 'Facebook' so I could go there....are you kidding me...I've barely figured this out!!! But, who knows, maybe I'll really develop my cyber-skills!!!

Well, yesterday morning my sister and I packed up and headed to the hospital - to get eyes on my grandmother's unfolding situation. Since my brother-in-laws mother is in town, we could go and leave the two year old at home (which allowed my sister the option to make the trip!)...the two year old, Sara, is all about the 'adventure'; but really I'm not sure that any of the rest of us were up for a hospital adventure with her.

After getting in the general vicinity of the community where my grandmother lives/the hospital we stopped for some lunch. Had a nice cuppa soup and half of my hamburger....needed to use the lew before we left....oh my gosh, you could almost see your breath in there is was so cold, it was nutz. I had a little chill, thought it was because it was like Antarctica in that bathroom - so after packing up leftovers from our lunch, be skedaddled to the hospital.

This regional community hospital has 'free' valet parking...and for the record, it really is 'free'!!! Since it literally was freezin' cold yesterday and I'm due for an infusion in just a couple of days, and it really was 'free' we had this fresh faced young man (really, could he possibly have a drivers license???) park my car. As we walked in the front door we glanced up and who should be see walking across the second floor...all of our family walking... So the youngest aunt (a couple of years my senior) waited on us, and guided us to our grandmother's room.

We hung out for about an hour and then she made her entrance. My grandmother is a very dignified, proper woman - I've never heard her utter a curse word, I'm not even sure she knows what they are to even think them! She will wear pants - after all she has been the sole caretaker of the family farmhouse - you know, ladders to climb, cabinets to climb on, gutters to clean....and I'm NOT kidding!!! Well, let's just say, I'm glad that my grandmother probably won't remember yesterday - she was miserable. After a hip replacement they put this giant triangular pillow between your legs to keep your hips in 'proper alignment - this has to feel 'awkward' if not uncomfortable. Add into this she had/has a catheter, had just laid on a hard uncomfortable operating table for several hours, and that she's 94 (hello...94!!!) and has osteoporosis (her picture is by the word in the dictionary) - she had to be uncomfortable. Add to this litany of woes the fact that she is deaf as a door knob without her hearing aides and needs glasses (have I mentioned, she's 94) - she was just generally miserable - and there was no making it better, or convincing her it was going to be better....she just wanted the pillow and catheter gone - and to go home!!! Simple, huh?!?!?!?

I personally, was lobbying hard for some pain meds, from the get go. She may say she's not in 'pain' (that's really hard to believe, since she'd just had her femur sawed on and screwed into) - but if nothing else, she wouldn't be restless. Let's just say the tiny about of medication they gave her - which did knock her out, was barely a whif!!! But, it made her more comfortable - and therefore helped the rest of us feel a little bit better about life - at least for a few minutes.

Throughout these several hours I visited the ladies room several times....let's say the chill I had at the restaurant wasn't entirely because the temperature in there was igloo like. I needed to get going (in more ways than one....my kingdom for a Sprite) - and Amy really wanted to 'hit' the outlet mall that is down there.

So, off we were...only to be weigh laid by the fact that the 'valet' who parked my car was no longer on duty and there was no one else in sight. So, I checked with the lady at the front desk (it was her first day - I'm not kidding, I can't make this stuff up), and eventually she tracked down the right person...of course, there had been a 'change in shifts'!!!

Then it was off to the outlet mall for a little retail therapy!!! My niece is the beneficiary of some really, really cute clothes. Amy bought her daughter her Christmas ensemble complete with hat and purse, her Christmas Eve/morning jammies, and a couple of other cute outfits. I too got Sara some cutie clothes and leggings! And then, Amy and I each got our selves a few things, I got a pretty sweater and a blouse/sweater vest combo...Amy got pants, sweaters, shirts (she needed more clothes than me!).

Finally we headed home - I got my coveted Sprite. As a bonus I was able to buy gas for $1.54/gallon - it almost feels like stealing!!!!

Today - I've been laying low and taking it easy...kind of a nice change of pace.