Day 3

Day 3 - something I need to forgive myself for.

Hmm....well, I guess one of the biggest things I need to forgive myself for is not taking care of myself, primarily in the physical sense.

Now, I'm a nurse, you know....and I don't smoke and I don't drink with any regularity or excess...BUT we do have to eat, right??? Yes we do...but to excess that isn't a good thing either.

There was a time in my life when I exercised with regularity....tennis, racquetball, swimming, biking, aerobics....and then...I got married and everything that was "normal" wasn't anymore. Now, marriage is no excuse and I'm not casting blame, but that is when I allowed my reality to change.

It was also after I got married I was diagnosed with "asthma"....more on that later.

So, now I find myself, and obese middle aged woman - with very bad lungs, and on medications known to increase appetite and weight gain (steroids). Quite a pickle, I find myself in.

A few years ago, right after my father died I went to get a second opinion on the whole "asthma" thing...I wasn't getting better, as a matter of fact I was getting worse - my primary care physician was exasperated and at a loss...and I was frustrated - I hadn't felt well for months (I had bigger fish to fry - my father was dying), and been unable to work for months because of my health.

So, I fortuitously (really, I think it was a God "intervention") ran into the Medical Director of the ICU and Pulmonology at the hospital I worked at, when I was coming in to pick up some prescriptions - told him what had been going on and asked him if he'd be willing to give a "second opinion" - "of course" he responded and added he had noticed I'd been "huffing and puffing" for awhile....and he didn't say anything, because...??? So, a few days later I went in, filled out the paper work and he did an exam, at the end of which he said, "Nanci, asthma isn't your problem....I'm not sure what it is, but it isn't asthma...". Then he named off a list of potential diagnoses, none of which I liked. After pulmonary function tests and several thousand dollars of lab work I got a diagnosis....IgG deficiency - Ig1 - Ig3, and lupus.

Within a few weeks I was in the hospital and on the ventilator...I also had Graves Disease and the combo of the three was too much for my lungs...which had lost about 40% of their function at that point. I had ht the autoimmune trifecta!!!

So, now, I find myself on total disability, oxygen dependent, taking a mountain of pills everyday...saying, if something like this can happen to me - a fairly savvy medical professional, it can happen to anyone.

Then, I get back to the weight thing - not being obese would do wonders for my lungs and all around health. Weight is something I have struggled with a good portion of my life, had pretty much reigned it in and then "let myself go". Now, exercising is a pretty tricky adventure, because my endurance and capacity is in the dumper because of the lung disease.

How do I forgive myself for being in this mess?? Well, starting last week I'm trying to be proactive. No, I can't change my medical diagnosis (it is incurable and eventually fatal), I can't change the fact I was misdiagnosed for years - just because I have an odd ball autoimmune disease that most docs don't look for, even the good ones; and I can't change what was and past choices....BUT, I can change the now and embrace those opportunities. So, last Thursday I joined Weight Watchers.

Now, this isn't my first rodeo, with weight loss attempts and/or Weight Watchers. But, I'm "doing" it with a cousin of mine and a couple of his friends I know....and I know, the accountability of the weekly weigh-in is something I need and will be helpful for me. This weekend I went to the grocery and made my fridge/freezer/pantry all weight watchers friendly.

So, I'd like to think I'm on the road to forgiveness....for me, to really forgive myself for something always involves some kind of "action", and I'm in "action" now!